None In the Oven

I thought I learned everything I needed to know about getting pregnant in junior high.  Turns out…I was wrong!

As I sit at Café Express, typing away on my keyboard and listening to the expectant moms next to me talk about the joys of babies and pregnancy, I realize I have to get out of here before I stab someone. Let me justify my hostility by saying I started my period yesterday.  So not only am I disappointed at the fact there’s no baby, but I’m also crazy hormonal! Turns out this isn’t the best place to think and write, as there are too many moms out there with nothing to do all day.  Oh wait…

Maybe I should have been a teenage, high school drop-out.  Or maybe I should just go back to being single, drunk and stupid.  Then I could get pregnant again.  Sigh. If someone could tell my uterus that I’m not a teenager and not middle-aged, and to stop rebelling,  that would be great.  Get your shit together uterus!  I’m a college-educated, 30-something with a loving husband and stable home, and apparently that makes me least likely to have a baby.  Why is it that when you’re not trying to get pregnant, all you have to do is dress in a slutty Halloween costume, get drunk, and have unprotected sex ONCE?! (yes, that is how my first child was conceived)  But nowadays it seems my ovaries are like the Sahara Desert and my uterus is giving me the middle finger!  I hate people who say “trying to get pregnant is the fun part.”. You’ve obviously never TRIED to get pregnant, or are extremely fertile.  If practice makes perfect, our child will be flawless.

Ah, and then comes the advice.  You mean I can get pregnant just by having sex?  Well damn, I never thought of that!  Oh, I should just adopt?  Why yes, I do have $50,000 just sitting in my bank account.  Why didn’t I think of that before?! Or, have you tried an all Paleo diet?  How about Gluten-free? Or vegan?  Or essential oils?  Why don’t you just relax? (that’s my favorite) Have you had any testing? (yes, and nothing says “good day” like a trans- vaginal ultrasound) I know people mean well but believe me, these things have already crossed my mind!

Maybe I’m  not infertile, I’m just clueless. NPR recently ran a story with a study that showed nearly 60% of women are wrong about what time of the month is best to get – or avoid getting- pregnant.  Needless to say, that does not boost my confidence.  I am doing all I can.  I have recently started using the Glow app to track my ovulation.  It sure asks a lot of personal questions and has me checking things I could have gone my whole life not knowing about!  Every day a list of things to do.  Check cervical mucus.  Um, ok.  Apparently that matters.  Cervical position?  Don’t even know how to figure that out.  Did I have sex?  If so, what position?  After I enter THAT personal info, it then tells me position doesn’t matter. Then why did you ask?! (Note, I tell my husband it matters so I can be on bottom). And my favorite, check basal body temperature first thing in the morning.  Hey Glow, let me tell you what my mornings consist of:  The alarm goes off, I hit snooze.  I hit snooze again.  And again. Then I jump out of bed realizing I have about 20 minutes to get my kid up and ready for school.  Then comes the frenzy.  I usually don’t even pee.  Nowhere in that mess will I remember to take my temperature.  I’m lucky I remember my own name in the mornings.

Then comes the waiting.  I’ll tell you, the anticipation I felt as a child of 8 waiting for Christmas morning is nothing compared to the anticipation of waiting the obligatory number of days before taking a pregnancy test.  And then waiting 3 minutes for the result.  I walk around trying to distract myself, all the while knowing I need to see those 2 lines or I’m gonna cry.  Then comes one line, basically screaming at me “Hey, you’re NOT PREGNANT!”. And then I just want to put that test down the garbage disposal or something! Then I think I’ll never get pregnant the old-fashioned way.  I’m seriously worried at this point our ability to procreate may depend entirely on our bank account balance.

Sometimes I think this is God’s way of telling me one is enough.  Being diabetic and pregnant is no picnic.  My first pregnancy was so difficult.  And my child was a preemie and has a birth defect.  We have all struggled so much.  Maybe I don’t need to go through all that again.  But then I imagine holding a precious baby boy (wishful thinking) in my arms, and I know that all of this will have been worth it.  I think my goal for now is to stop trying to plan and calculate everything (not that timed intercourse isn’t sexy) and just let nature take its course.  What’s meant to be will be. (I guess)

For now though, I’m gonna go enjoy some alcohol and chocolate since I know I’m not pregnant.  I hope you all have a fantastic week, and hopefully I will be announcing a BUN in the oven soon!