On the Confederate flag…

On the Confederate flag…

Once upon a time, in a not so distant past, our country was divided in half when the Confederate States seceded from the Union in 1860 and started the Civil War. The Confederacy consisted of 11 states led by Jefferson Davis from 1861-1865.

On March 21, 1861, Confederate VP Alexander Stephens described the ideology of the Confederacy to be “based upon the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man: that slavery subordination to the superior race is his natural condition.” He also stated that anti-slavery “fanatics” were attempting to “make things equal which the Creator had made unequal.” He goes even further to quote Bible verses to support his belief that black citizens are inferior to white citizens, and that “it is not for us to inquire into the wisdom of His ordinances, or to question them.” This was part of a speech known as the Cornerstone Address. Follow this link to read it in its entirety. It’s worth the read to get a full grasp on the insanity that was the Confederacy.

https://www.battlefields.org/learn/primary-sources/cornerstone-speech

It’s an unequivocal truth that the Confederacy was founded on and motivated by white supremacy. Their only reason for existence was because they wanted to keep their slaves. They believed black people were inferior. THEY WERE RACISTS. There is no way around that fact. No way to sugar-coat it or explain it away. People died just so these states could fight to keep their slaves. It’s estimated that around 620,000 men died in the line of duty. In today’s numbers, that would be around 6 million people. And that is just soldier casualties. That doesn’t include civilians.

As time has passed, the Confederacy and it’s reason for existence has been romanticized by some, and the history is sometimes conveniently rewritten. People make claims that the states weren’t motivated by slave ownership, but rather by opposition to “liberalism” and the need for states to maintain financial independence. Churching it up doesn’t change the facts though. “Maintaining financial independence” meant the south relied on slave labor on plantations, which is where their money was made. If there is no one to pick the cotton or take care of the livestock or harvest the food, there would be no income. In fact, Mississippi’s Declaration of Secession stated that “none but the black race can bear exposure to the tropical sun” that makes cotton flourish. While there were other financial reasons that the south seceded, the overwhelmingly main reason was so they may continue to own slaves.

During it’s 5 year existence, the Confederacy used a variety of different flags. In fact, they had 3 different official national flags: The “stars and bars,” the “stainless banner,” and the “blood-stained” banner. The one that became most associated with them was the “battle flag.” This flag was actually a rejected design, and was never an official national flag of the Confederacy. The Sons of the Confederacy adopted it as a symbol of “southern heritage,” thus trying to change the original narrative of what the Confederacy was founded on. After the war, the battle flag was tied to the memory of the war. As time went on, it was rarely displayed. That started to change in the 1930’s, when Congress nearly passed an anti-lynching bill. In 1948, a segregationist group called the Dixiecrats used the flag in their political campaign, and thus spurred the flag’s popularity. It then began being used as a response to the civil rights movements in the 1950’s and 1960’s. and has continued to be a symbol of racism, used by white supremacists and the KKK throughout history, and is still used for that purpose today.

So all of this begs the question…why would anyone own/fly/wear/celebrate the Confederate flag, or want statues and monuments of it’s leaders? Knowing that they all believed they were the superior race, that they owned slaves and would continue to do so had they won, why would anyone support that to this day?

The majority of the rhetoric surrounding this is that the flag is a sign of “southern heritage” and “southern pride.” This makes absolutely no sense to me. And here’s why:

  • The soldiers who bore the American flag were killed by those who bore the Confederate flag. The irony that the Confederate flag represents patriotism or any American values is extraordinary.
  • Why would a flag that represents being a traitor to your country be a sign of patriotism or pride?
  • The Confederacy lasted for 5 years. 5 years. Barely the length of a college education. And they lost the war. Why would you celebrate that? Ironically, the same people displaying Confederate flags are often the same people complaining about participation trophies. The Confederacy lost. There is no participation trophy or any reason to brag. Take the loss and move on..
  • Waving the Confederate flag as a sign of “southern pride” is the equivalent of waving a Swastika and calling it “European pride.”
  • You don’t see any Americans flying a British flag or building statues of Benedict Arnold. Why? Because the British lost and Arnold was a traitor.
  • There are people all over the country, outside of the south, that tout the Confederate flag image. It’s not your heritage. It’s an excuse to be racist.

The same goes for monuments of Confederate soldiers. Yes, it is important to remember our past and learn from it. However, these men are not people to be celebrated or memorialized. These statues belong in museums, where they can be properly contextualized. Where they can be explained for what they were, and what they mean today. These statues were not designed to celebrate the Confederacy. They were erected in the Jim Crow era and were designed to promote white supremacy and scare African Americans. There is a distinct difference between remembering and memorializing, and we must learn and understand that difference.

It’s important to remember that every Confederate soldier and representative took up arms against the United States. They were traitors. And just like we don’t celebrate Benedict Arnold, we must not celebrate or memorialize these men.

I know what you’re thinking: It’s a slippery slope. If we take these things away, what’s next? Washington? Jefferson? Franklin? I mean, they all owned slaves, right? Who’s to say they won’t be the next ones to be demonized? That’s a false narrative. It’s something racist people say and the media uses to make you think we are erasing history. No one is trying to erase history. They are trying to stop the idolization of racist traitors. The difference between these Confederate symbols and our founding fathers is that our founding fathers are remembered and respected for more. Freeing a nation. Writing a Constitution. Doing what, at the time, was what was needed and shaped our country. The fact that they owned slaves was despicable, and shameful, but they are also remembered for the good achievements they had. What did Robert E. Lee or any other major Confederate player do for the greater good? Nothing. That’s the difference.

Bottom line: The Confederate flag is not a symbol of your patriotism. It is not a symbol of your heritage. And it should not be a symbol of your pride. It is, however, a symbol of white supremacy. Of systemic racism. Of tyranny. Of traitors. Of losers. Of death. It has no place in this country, or in the hearts and minds of any true American citizen.

Lay down your sign of a traitorous group that lasted for only 5 years. Pick up the symbol that is meant to and should represent us all, and advocate for equal justice for every American citizen under that flag.

And that’s on the Confederate flag…

Sources:

https://www.history.com/topics/american-civil-war/confederate-states-of-america

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confederate_States_of_America

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/aug/06/pride-and-prejudice-the-americans-who-fly-the-confederate-flag

Quarantine Adventures – Day 1

Quarantine Adventures – Day 1

I think by now we are all pretty well-versed in the Coronavirus conversation.  So I might as well just get right to it!

As I’ve thought in-depth about the pandemic we are faced with, I came to the conclusion that this will be an historical event in our lifetime, and will probably be studied in many more lifetimes to come.  So I thought, as someone who is going to self-quarantine as much as possible, why not chronicle this journey?  We are facing a very interesting social experiment.  All of us, especially the extroverts, are having to readjust our everyday lives and learn to be satisfied within the 4 walls of our homes, and the people inside them.  We watch movies like The Shining, and talk and joke about cabin fever as if it’s this obscure thing, that in modern day society we’ll never have to worry about.  And some ways, that is true, in regards to modern technology.  The concept of being shut in with no contact with the outside world is a scenario that at this point, is long gone.  Still, it’s a huge shift going from everyday activities like work, school, shopping, etc, to never leaving your home.  It’s going to be very interesting to see how we all learn to thrive (fingers crossed!) in these times.

A little background on my situation:  I own a house, where I live with my husband, pets, and every other weekend, my teenage daughter.  I work in healthcare, and also have Type 1 Diabetes.  When all this first started, I wasn’t that concerned.  But as it has escalated so rapidly, I have made the decision to self-quarantine as much as possible.  My immune system puts me too at risk, and if I get this, even if I don’t die, it will take me down for a very long time.  And I’ll be of no use to anyone.  Better to hunker down and wait it out and keep myself and others healthy.  My personal belief is that this is what we should all be doing.

Fortunately, with modern technology and an understanding boss, I am able to do the majority of my work from home.  Especially as our patient load right now is very light.  So here I am, ready to ride this out at home, and journal it along the way.

So here goes:  Self-quarantine:  Day 1

Although I have been staying home as much as possible for about the past 6 days, today was my first full day of not leaving the house, with the exception of walking the dog. (Which I highly recommend, even just for the 10-15 minutes of fresh air.)

I slept in a little, since I didn’t have to actually leave the house.  Got up around 7:45 and responded to some work texts.  While in my pajamas.  Score!

I did about 4-5 hours of work, sporadically.  My husband is also working from home, and we only have one office.  So I am set up at the dining room table.  I sit there to access our patient records, and can do most everything else from my laptop.  So that’s a bonus.  Down side, my husband’s booming voice echoes throughout the house, and all he does is talk on the phone, so if I want peace and quiet, gotta wear the headphones.  All in all not too bad.

I had a mimosa or two in the middle of the day.  Working from home does have its perks!  (Don’t worry, I was off the clock!)  I watched Halloween, my favorite movie of all time that never gets old.  And besides work stress, just tried to take it easy.

This evening I watched episode 2 of The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez on Netflix.  This show is NOT for the faint of heart.  It’s an important issue and case to know about, but man it is so hard to watch!  No bingeing this one.  One episode a day for sure!

Tonight my husband and I will probably commence with our usual routine.  Binge watching The Office and chilling on the couch.  I am making a mental list of things I want to get done during this time period, so we shall see if I can get through them.  Here are the main ones:

  • Read that stack of books I’ve collected
  • Work on the book I’m writing
  • Send letters and cards to friends and family to brighten their days
  • Deep clean the house
  • Regular naps
  • Perfect my cake decorating skills
  • Have fun with the hubs!!

Now I’m off to order delivery from Taste of Asia (trying to support local business!) and watch The Office.  Hope everyone is having a great day, all things considered.  Until tomorrow…

limit

How Not To Go Crazy While Under Quarantine

How Not To Go Crazy While Under Quarantine

So the Coronavirus has hit your area, and you’re now stuck at home under quarantine.  Introverts, your time has finally come!  The homebodies are ready to continue being just that.

But what about us extroverts, the people that like to be out in society and around others?  How are we to deal with being stuck at home, possibly alone, for up to 14 days, if not longer?  How do we not go completely insane?

Well, I’m  here to tell my fellow extroverts, this can indeed be our time as well!  We just have to shift our mindsets a little.  This can be the break you never knew you always wanted! So in preparation for impending doom, I have created a list of things that I totally intend on doing, should I have to be quarantined.

1. First and foremost:  NAPS! 

spider

This is your time to take back all the naps you refused as a kid.  The older I get, the more I have come to embrace taking naps as just part of my self-care routine.  In the past, I always felt guilty about taking naps, because there’s always something that needs to be done.  But guess what?  You’re forcibly stuck at home, so there’s no reason at all to feel bad about the extra sleep!

Now, if you’re one of those people who can’t just lay down and take a nap, not to worry!  I have suggestions!

  1. In my experience, the easiest and most fun way to get into nap mode is a little “afternoon delight” with your significant other.  Or hell, even with just yourself!  I don’t know about you guys, but nothing makes me feel better after a big O than a big nap!
  2. If that isn’t an option, or not something you’re in the mood for, here’s the second best option:  BOOZE!  I recommend 1 to 1 and 1/2 glasses of wine.  It’s just enough to make you sleepy, but not enough that you’ll feel like trash when you wake up. It’s a perfect nap inducer!

2.  READ!

reading

You know all those books you have sitting around, just waiting to be picked up and devoured?  Now’s the time to do it!  This is most definitely one of my main quarantine goals, if it happens.  So many books, so little time to read…until now!

Don’t own many books?  No problem!  Check out Audible or Kindle Unlimited.  Also check your local library website.  Many public libraries now have the option to check out books online through an app.  And for free, I might add!

3.  BRUSH UP ON YOUR CULINARY SKILLS.

cook

Whether you’re like Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen, or more like our friend Hillary here, there’s always new things to learn when it comes to cooking and baking.  And with all this free time, there are tons of new things to try.  Find recipes and tutorials at Food Network Kitchen

Challenge yourself, experiment, go wild!  It’s all in good fun with, and no pressure.  Home with your family?  Have a Top Chef style challenge.  Give everyone the same ingredients and they each have to come up with their own dish.  Home alone?  Learn how to bake that cake or pie you’ve always wanted to.  Or learn how to make homemade bread.  With the internet and all the foodies out there, the possibilities are endless!

4. BINGE WATCH THE SHOW!! (OR MOVIES)

netflix

How many of us have shows or movies that we hear everyone talk about, and want to watch, but just don’t have the time to commit to it?  Well….here is your time!  And with all the different streaming services available, there’s bound to be something for everyone.  Binge those shows!  Catch up on those Oscar nominated movies you always swore you’d watch.  And do it guilt-free!!

If there’s nothing that immediately comes to mind for you, here are a few personal suggestions from me:

  • The Office (Netflix)
  • The Handmaid’s Tale (Hulu)
  • Jack Ryan (Amazon Video)
  • Ozark (Netflix)
  • Stranger Things (Netflix)
  • You (Netflix)
  • Any True Crime documentary on Hulu, Amazon, or Netlfix
  • Hunters (Amazon Video)
  • The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Amazon Video)
  • The Stranger (Netflix)
  • Anything on Disney Plus!

5.  INVOKE THE KONMARI METHOD

MARIE

Marie Kondo the s**t out of your house!  We all have way too much stuff.  We hold on to things, even when we no longer have use for them.  Use this time to reflect on your belongings, get rid of some stuff, and get organized!  Move some furniture around.  Redecorate. Or if you’re not ready to part with things, do a deep cleaning of your home.  You’ll be surprised how much better you’ll feel in your home after.  If you need tips, check out Tidying Up with Marie Kondo on Netflix, or her Konmari website.

And if those aren’t enough to keep you busy, here are more ways to fill your time:

  • At home spa day
  • Exercise!!
  • Day drink
  • Clean out apps on your phone and computer
  • Learn a new skill
  • Surf Zillow and find your dream home
  • Make a bucket list
  • Meditate
  • Write!  A book, a journal entry, a blog post, anything you want!
  • Get organized with lists
  • Sex, sex, and more sex
  • Revamp your budget
  • Call someone you haven’t talked to in awhile
  • Write letters or cards to friends and family
  • Listen to some podcasts (My faves: My Favorite Murder, Crime Junkie, This Podcast Will Kill You, Office Ladies, and Marriage & Martinis.)
  • Try that DIY project you’ve always wanted to do
  • Leave online reviews for the businesses you love
  • Color –  adult coloring books are my jam!
  • Create some new music playlists
  • Play board games or video games
  • Learn more about something in history that intrigues you
  • Do a puzzle
  • Check out the website All That Is Interesting. You’re welcome

Most importantly, do what makes you happy. This will be temporary.  And remember, you will get through it.  You might as well enjoy yourself as much as possible while you do!

balance

Silver Linings-True Crimes That Inspired Change, Part 1

Silver Linings-True Crimes That Inspired Change, Part 1

I am a die-hard fan of true crime.  I can’t get enough of it. And nowadays with the endless number of shows and podcasts about true crime, (shoutout to My Favorite Murder!) our society is currently saturated with it.  But it is something that I have been intrigued by for as long as I can remember.  I was an OG murderino!

There are many different things about these stories that interest me.  The psychology of it all is a big one.  What makes a person kill?  What is it inside a person that turns them into a monster?  That is one thing I’ve always wished there was more research and findings about.  The other thing I always want to know more about is what can be done to prevent these crimes from happening again?  From every tragedy, I hope for some kind of silver lining.  At the end of the day, these are real people and real families whose lives were changed forever because someone decided to take a life.  That should never be forgotten in the midst of all the drama and intrigue of the stories.

So I decided to chronicle some of my favorite crimes that prompted actual change in laws and law enforcement.  While these stories are tragic, the families of these victims are also heroes.  They stood up for their loved ones and lobbied for change so that other families won’t experience the same loss and heartache.

First on my list:  The murder of Jacob Wetterling.

On October 22nd, 1989, in St .Joseph Minnesota, 11 year old Jacob Wetterling, his brother Trevor, and their friend Aaron rode their bikes to the local Tom Thumb to rent a video.

As they were riding home, a masked man, later identified as Danny Heinrich, came out of a driveway and approached the boys with a loaded revolver. Heinrich was driving in his car when he saw the boys headed towards the store.  He then turned his car around and parked to wait for the boys to return.

He ordered them to throw their bikes in a ditch and lie face down on the ground.  He then asked each boy how old they were.  Trevor was told to run towards the woods and not to look back, otherwise he would be shot.  He then ordered Jacob and Aaron to stand and face him.  Aaron was told to run away, and given the same threats as Trevor.

Heinrich forced Jacob into his car and handcuffed him.   He drove to a remote location approximately 30 miles away, where he sexually assaulted Jacob before shooting him twice, killing him.  He then buried Jacob’s body, but returned a year later and moved the body after seeing Jacob’s red jacket was showing through the dirt.

27 years later…

Although Heinrich was questioned in December of 1989, there was no real evidence to link him to the crime.  The investigation would go on to be considered seriously botched. Jacob’s disappearance remained unsolved until the fall of 2016 when Heinrich confessed to killing Jacob, after becoming a person of interest when he was arrested in 2015 on child pornography charges.  He also confessed to the kidnapping and sexual assault of 12 year old Jared Scheierl, 9 months before he murdered Jacob.  Authorities had believed the two cases were connected because of many similarities in the crimes.  Police were able to physically connect him to that case in 2015 with DNA found on Scheierl’s sweatshirt he was wearing at the time of the attack, but they were not able to prosecute him because the statue of limitations had passed.

Heinrich’s confession was part of a plea deal in which he plead guilty to one of the 25 child pornography charges brought against him.  In exchange for this plea, he agreed to lead investigators to Jacob’s body and testify to the details of Jacob’s death.  In addition, prosecutors agreed, with the agreement of the Wetterlings, not to charge him with Jacob’s murder.  Heinrich was sentenced to the maximum of 20 years in prison on the child pornography charge.

The fallout of tragedy:

The failure on the part of authorities to solve the case changed the lives of parents and children all across the nation.  Parents stopped letting their children go out alone.  “Stranger Danger” became almost a hysteria.  Kids saw PSA’s and after school specials about not talking to strangers or accepting rides from people in white vans.  Kids faces started showing up on milk cartons and parents began fingerprinting their kids in case they disappeared.  As a child that grew up in the 80’s and 90’s, I remember “stranger danger” being an almost palpable fear.  This was also back in a time when even children weren’t considered “missing persons” until they were gone at least 24 hours. Most of the time they were just considered to be “playing” or were thought to be runaways.  We now know that the first 48 hours after a child goes missing are the most crucial in finding them.  The laws that follow helped bring that fact to light and change how law enforcement handled cases of missing children.

Light out of darkness:

In 1994, The Jacob Wetterling Crimes Against Children and Sexually Violent Offender Registration Act (The Wetterling Act) was enacted.  The law requires all states to keep a registry for law enforcement that keeps track of all offenders who have committed sexual or sexually violent acts against children, and to form more rigorous registration requirements for sex offenders.  It also required states to verify the address of sex offenders every year for 10 years, and those classified as violent sexual offenders must be verified quarterly for the rest of their lives.  Under the law, states had the discretion to release or not release the information to the public.

That changed in 1996 when the Wetterling Act was amended with Megan’s Law, named for Megan Kanka, a 7 year old who was raped and murdered by her neighbor.  Jesse Timmendequas, who had two previous convictions for sexually assaulting young girls, lured Megan into his home by offering to show her a puppy.  He then raped her and strangled her to death with a belt.  Although he was registered as a sex offender, the Kankas had no knowledge of this and therefore did not see him as a danger to their family. The Kankas lobbied for change, stating that had community notification of registered sex offenders existed, Megan would still be alive.

Megan’s law was passed on the federal and state level. At the federal level, the law requires persons convicted of sex crimes against children to notify local law enforcement of any address change or employment after release from custody.  The notification may be for a fixed time, or permanently. At the state level, the law requires authorities to make sex offender registry information available to the public and imposed community notification.  The details of what is provided and how community notification is handled vary from state to state.

The law was last amended with the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006.  Adam Walsh was a 6 year old boy who was kidnapped from a Sears in Hollywood, Florida in 1981.   Adam’s severed head was found 2 weeks later almost 130 miles away from where he was taken. The rest of his remains were never found. His murderer was believed to be a local drifter named Ottis Toole, who confessed but then later recanted his confession to Adam’s murder.

Adam’s law, along with the Wetterling Act and Megan’s Law, organizes sex offenders into 3 tiers based on the crimes committed, with Tier 3 being the most serious.  The law mandates that Tier 3 offenders update their whereabouts every 3 months with lifetime registration requirements.  Tier 2 offenders must update their whereabouts every 6 months, with 25 year registration requirements.  Tier 1 offenders must update their whereabouts every year, with a 15 year registration requirement.  Failure to register and update information is a felony under the law.

Adam’s parents also lobbied for the Missing Children’s Act of 1982, which created a national database for missing children, and also helped found the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, established by Congress in 1984.  Adam’s father John also went on to launch and host the show America’s Most Wanted.

The deaths of these children are terrifying and heartbreaking.  Growing up, I can remember being so scared that someone would just snatch me and I would disappear forever.  Thanks to the work of these amazing families, laws were changed and safeguards were put in place to help prevent these tragedies from happening again, as much as the possibly could. Some might say some of these laws have gone too far, and to some extent I agree.  For instance, I’m not sure that someone who urinates in public should be registered as a sexual offender.  That being said,  if these laws prevent even one child from being assaulted and/or murdered, I consider that a win.

Stay tuned for Part 2….

 

What Have We Become?

What Have We Become?

Let me tell you a little story.  Once upon a time, my daughter was ill and required a stay in the hospital for treatment.  She had gone through surgeries and hospital stays before,  so it wasn’t exactly a new thing.  But this particular treatment, while necessary, was something she was adamantly against.  When I had to leave, and she had to do some treatment without me being there to hold her hand, she broke down.  She cried, she yelled, she pleaded for me not to leave her there and begged me to take her home.  The agony I felt in that moment broke a piece of my heart that will never fully heal. And although everything went well, I have never quite forgotten that feeling and have never fully been able to get the sounds of her cries out of my memory. And I know that I will always carry the pain of her desperation and fear during that time with me, even though I knew she was being very well cared for and that I was doing the best thing for her.

If you have children, then you have most-likely experienced times when you have been sad to leave them.  Like the first day of daycare, or kindergarten.  They cry and beg you not to go, and it rips at your heart.  No parent can stand to hear their child cry for them, especially when they are unable to give them the comfort they need at that moment.

Try for a moment to imagine yourself as a parent in that situation.  Imagine what it must feel like.  Now, try to imagine that your child is being ripped from your arms as they are crying and screaming, and you DON’T know where they are going, or how and if they will be properly cared for.  You’re being separated from them and you have no idea when you will see them again.  You can’t tell the person taking your child away that your little one needs their stuffed pink elephant to fall asleep, or that they have to take allergy medicine at night so they can breathe well, or that if they don’t have a night light they become too terrified to sleep.  Knowing the agony I’ve felt in situations where I had to leave my child and the only comfort I had was know thing she was in good and capable hands, I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel to be separated from your child and have no idea where they are going or what will become of them.  It breaks my heart.  This current situation has been weighing heavily on my heart and soul.  And it should be on yours too.

Which brings me to a very serious and loaded question: What have we become? Is America, a country built on the backs of immigrants, the land of the free and home of the brave, the land of opportunity and success, now really a land where children are being caged-up in empty warehouses?  Is our moral compass now pointing so far south that we not only defend, but celebrate this kind of governing?

I am going to say one thing before I delve more into this: First off, I am in full support of legal immigration.  What I am not in support of is the current process of families being torn apart during their time of crisis. That being said, forget the politics for a moment.  Forget who is to blame, or why.  If you are a person who is okay with CHILDREN being ripped apart from their families and detained in cages, you are what is wrong with our country. This is, as Dr. Colleen Kraft stated this week, government-sanctioned child abuse, and it should not be happening on American soil. This is a violation of human rights. America has fought against these types of human rights atrocities in other countries.  Now we are becoming exactly what we fought against.  It is reminiscent of Nazi concentration camps and Japanese internment camps.  And I know now you might be thinking , “this isn’t THAT,” but, those things didn’t just happen.  How do you think they started?  The similarities should be chilling every American to their core.

Even more chilling is the fact that the President is using these children as bargaining chips in his game to get his wall funded, and to get exactly what stipulations he wants on immigration reform.  Per a recent tweet from President Trump:  “The Democrats are forcing the breakup of families at the border with their horrible and cruel legislative agenda.  Any immigration bill MUST HAVE full funding for the wall, end Catch & Release, Visa Lottery and Chain, and go to Merit Based Immigration.  Go for it!  WIN!”  Let that sink in for a moment:  The President of the United States is blackmailing his own government to get what he wants.  If that’s not terrifying, I don’t know what is.  In addition, notes from a 2017 town hall were recently released describing the President and Homeland Security officials listing separating migrant families as a method to discourage people from seeking asylum.  Hostage-taking, particularly of families and children, is a tried-and-true instrument of terror, which I’m certain the President and his advisors are well-aware of.

The other thing that is extremely disturbing, to me at least, is the posts I keep seeing of people saying “Well, when American parents go to jail they are separated from their kids” or “Think about how the military personnel who are separated from their families must feel.”  Let me tell you something:  Unless the children of those people are being held in cages/tents/warehouses, whatever, around people with strict instructions not to touch them or comfort them, then it is NOT the same thing.  While those two scenarios are sad in their own right, it is not comparable to what is happening with these children and their families.  When American parents go to jail, their children are most often placed with family members, and if there are none, then they go into the foster care system and many times placed with foster families.  Children in military families usually have a parent at home with them or family taking care of them while their parent is deployed.  In both instances, though still sad and valid, you know the children are being well cared for.  It’s not the same thing, and that comparison is disgusting.

For the record, there is NO law that requires separating families if they illegally cross the border. Seeking asylum is every person’s right under international law. The current practice is in place due to the President’s zero-tolerance policy, which could be recinded at any time. The administration won’t give direct answers on why they are doing this, except to blame it on “loopholes.”  The particular loophole they are referencing is the Flores settlement.  It’s a 1997 agreement struck by President Clinton that says the government is required to release immigrant children from detention without unnecessary delay – generally within 20 days- to parents, relatives, or licensed programs.  The Trump administration argues that this means children must be separated from their parents, since they cannot be held in custody alongside their parents who are facing criminal charges.

This further begs the question, why are they being held on charges?  Seeking asylum is NOT illegal.  Crossing into the U.S. anywhere other than a port of entry is a civil, not criminal, offense. Yes, some people may be taking advantage of that.  But when it comes to children and overall human rights, I think the benefit of the doubt is warranted until we know for sure.  In fact, the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services policy explicitly states “To obtain asylum through the affirmative asylum process, you must be physically present in the United States.  You may apply for asylum status REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU ARRIVED IN THE UNITED STATES OR  YOUR CURRENT IMMIGRATION STATUS.”  https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/refugees-asylum/asylum/obtaining-asylum-united-states

There is no justification for this.  There is no way to square this with the way of Jesus.  And at this moment, it doesn’t matter who is to blame.  The fact is, there is no one person to blame.  Immigration reform in the U.S. has been an ongoing and sensitive issue.  What matters is who is in charge now and what they can do to stop this, NOW.  Because this is not who we are.  This is not who we should be.  This is not American. If we lose the ability to be human, to show compassion and decency, we’ve lost everything.   Jesus asked those who had bread and fish to bring them to him so that it could be multiplied and all could share.   If those people had chosen to say “This is mine, I worked for it and I don’t have to share,” imagine how that story would have ended.  Bread, fishes, freedom, opportunity, those are all things granted to us by God and are not just ours to hoard for ourselves.

The inscription on the Statue of Liberty reads: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.  Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door.”  What is does NOT say is “Give me your English-speaking only, Christian, heterosexual masses.”  At the end of the day, we are all still human. And refuge, humanity, and asylum is what our country was built on.  We can’t close our borders to those of the world who need us.  We need to help them find legal ways to pursue the opportunities we a have all been afforded when our founding fathers, of immigrant descent, fought Britian and made this country their own.

The good news is, we, as American citizens, are not helpless.  Use your voice, and when the time comes, use your vote.  You can call the White House directly at 202-456-1111.  Look up your local representatives.  call them, write letters. Donate to legitimate causes that are there to help these children.  If you have the means and the heart to do so, offer to foster.   And most importantly, pray.  Pray for the families that are suffering.  Pray for the President and his administration to have a heart for positive change.   And if you are a person who believes what is happening to these children is acceptable, I pray that you look inside yourself and find compassion and humanity.

Finally, I will just leave you with this…

Breaking the Cycle

Breaking the Cycle

Well, here we are.  In the wake of yet another school shooting.  The drama has commenced.  The outrage, the finger pointing,  the “it’s the guns” people, and “it’s not the guns” people, arguing until they’re blue in the face, with neither side budging.  It’s the thoughts and prayers, it’s the “now’s not the time to talk about gun control” permanent political staple.  And in a few days, or a few weeks, everyone will stop talking about it, chalk it up to another day in America, and go back to their daily lives…until it happens again.  And then the cycle starts all over.

I for one am ready to break this cycle. I can no longer sit silently by and pretend this isn’t a real issue.  I can no longer live with the terror I feel every time I drop my daughter off at school.  Or when I go to a concert, or a sporting event, or a movie theater, or even church.  These are places I should feel no fear.  These are places we should all feel safe. Our children have the right to feel safe at school.

Clearly there are many sides that all disagree as to what is the root of the problem. It seems most only point a finger at one particular issue.  Here is the answer:  It’s not ONE problem.  It’s a multi-faceted problem, it’s many things that culminate and drive a person to kill.  The truth is, it isn’t just guns, or mental illness, or bad parenting, or entitled kids. It’s all of these things, and more.  And instead of each person on the defense of one of these issues pointing fingers at the other, we need to come together, examine these issues individually, and do everything we can to change it.

Before I delve into this, I will just come right out and say what most of you are already thinking:  I am anti-gun.  If you know me, you know that I have a certain naïveté, a certain dreamer-style way of looking at life. I believe in the fairy tales.  In the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I still believe in the good. That being said,  I believe in the civilized society we live in today, there should be no guns.  If there were no guns, there would be no need for guns.  That’s my stance.

Now I know what you’re thinking:  This chick is bat-shit crazy.  A little, but that’s neither here nor there. However, I do realize that my idealism is not the real way of the world we live in, and that I have to adjust my views and expectations.   Those views exist in a perfect world, and I am aware we do not live in a perfect world.  Saying that, I am pro-Second Amendment.  I am okay with citizens owning (certain) guns, but I expect safeguards to be in place.  I also expect our laws to grow and change, just as our society has grown and changed.  So idealism aside, I want to address this is issue head-on.

First, let’s define the term “mass killing.”  A mass killing is defined as the killing of 3 or more people (excluding the killer) in a single location, at the same time.  So now, let’s look into the numbers of mass shootings that have occurred in the US.

  • Since Sandy Hook in 2012, which left 20 first graders and 5 educators dead,  there have been roughly 1,600 mass shootings in the US, killing at least 1,800 people and wounding over 6,400.  This number is broad and includes mass shootings of all types, including gang disputes, robberies gone wrong, and domestic disputes. Of these, 239 have been school shootings.  This is just in the past 6 years.
  • According to the US Secret Service and US Department of Education, in 81% of these school shootings, someone had information that the attacker was thinking about or planning the shooting.   68% of these school shooters obtained their weapons from relatives or from their home.  73% of these shooters have no prior criminal record. 17% of these shooters were under the age of 15.
  • Data from the Gun Violence Archive says there is one mass shooting in the US every 9 out of 10 days.
  • America has 4.4 percent of the world’s population, but has almost half (48%) of civilian-owned guns worldwide.  The US also holds 31% of the world’s mass shooters.
  • From January 1st 2018 to February 14th 2018, there have been 30 mass shootings.

These are horrifying numbers.   And what is even more horrifying, is that our government has refused to do ANYTHING to put a stop to this violence.  It seems to be an untouchable subject.  Our leaders play the 2nd Amendment card, extend their thoughts and prayers, and move on.  Our children are dying.  This should be a top priority of our government.  But it isn’t.  That means we, as citizens of this country, have to step up and make it their problem.  This isn’t just one administrations fault, but only the people in power now can do something.  President Obama made strides, including a rule that required the Social Security Administration to report disability-benefit recipients with mental health conditions to the FBI’s background check system, which is used to screen firearm buyers.  President Trump rescinded this rule in 2017.

There are many instances, however, where people died and the government intervened to help prevent it from happening again.  I’ll start with cars.  As auto fatalities continued to rise, research was done and laws were enacted to help prevent deaths.  Seat belt and helmet laws were created, and auto makers were required to improve safety standards and install airbags in vehicles.   When the number of meth labs increased and the number of deaths from this drug kept climbing, the government stepped in and required that Sudafed be purchased from behind the pharmacy counter, that you have to show an ID to purchase it, and you cannot purchase more than 9 grams per month.   After the terrorist attack on September 11th, 2001, TSA protocols were strengthened and pre-flight security was heightened, including limiting the quantity of liquids that may be taken on an airplane, many everyday items being blacklisted, and security measures that include removing your shoes when going through TSA pre-check. These are just a few of many instances where our government intervened to help prevent senseless deaths in our country.  Do these measures guarantee that no more people will die from these things? Of course not.  But any death that can be prevented because of them is worth it.

Now IS the time to have this discussion.  With one mass shooting every 9 out of 10 days, there won’t be a time when there isn’t a mass shooting to talk about gun control or other issues that contribute to these shootings.

So what problems contribute to these school shootings, and what can be done about them?  It’s time we tackle these issues head-on.

Let’s start with the big one: Guns.  Many people don’t like to address this one.  It’s a very touchy subject.  Some people are 100% convinced guns are the problem.  Others are 100% convinced it’s not a gun issue at all.  So who is right?   I’m gonna go ahead and say it.  If you think guns have absolutely nothing to do with why these things keep happening, you’re lying to yourself. To quote the movie The American President, “For reasons passing understanding, people do not relate guns to gun-related crime.”  It’s absurd. Many pro-gun supporters just say “Any lunatic with a cause will find a way to kill people.”  That, unfortunately, is a true statement.  However, shouldn’t we make it as difficult as possible for them to do it, and to keep the deaths to a minimum where we can?  I guarantee a knife or even a handgun can kill a lot less people in a short amount of time than an AR-15.

Everyone wants to call the 2nd Amendment as their defense to keep as many and whatever guns they want. I am a staunch supporter of our Constitution and what it stands for.  But it is meant to be malleable.  If it wasn’t, you could still own slaves, segregation would still exist, and women and minorities couldn’t vote.  It is meant to grow and change as our society does, that is why it is able to be amended.  Our forefathers had the good sense to know that things would, and should change, and they put safeguards in place for that.

So let’s examine the 2nd Amendment for a moment.  It states “A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”  First of all, the 2nd Amendment was written in lawless times. Americans knew they had to defend themselves against Native Americans, and against any enemies that may show up.  The militia was not yet truly created. Americans were also aware that the fresh, new government could become corrupt and they would need to defend themselves against it if necessary.  But looking at it more closely, you could say that the intent of the 2nd Amendment is up for interpretation. Was it meant for the States to have the right to keep and bear arms, in the hands of a trained militia? Or was it meant to be an individual right?  Given that the Bill of Rights refers to individual liberties, it could be interpreted as an individual’s right to keep and bear arms, which is the interpretation our country has gone with.  And in 2008, in District of Columbia v Heller, the US Supreme Court ruled in a narrow  5-4 vote that the right to bear arms is an individual right.

However, the 2nd Amendment was written when most guns shot 1-2 rounds per minute. The average AR-15 shoots 45 rounds per minute.  I can’t imagine our forefathers knew how technology would advance and just how dangerous guns would become.  And again, it was also written in the face of a new government, when laws were just being created and they were figuring out how to enforce them.  As society and technology have grown and changed, so should our laws when it pertains to gun ownership.

The media likes to portray gun-control advocates as these monsters who want to rip the Constitution to shreds and come get all of the guns.  For the most part, that’s just not true. No one is trying to eradicate the 2nd Amendment. I think most people in that group, including myself, agree that certain guns should be owned by responsible citizens, but that more strict safeguards need to be in place so that the guns are in the right hands.

So while keeping the 2nd Amendment intact, what can we do to crack down on gun violence?  The sheer volume of guns in this country is a good place to start.  There are enough guns in America for every household to have more than one.   So in my opinion, the first step is to ban certain types of guns. It’s time.  Don’t like that idea?  Sorry.  My child’s right to feel safe in school supercedes your right to own assault weapons just for fun.  Keep the handguns, shotguns, and hunting rifles.  But assault weapons have no place in a civilized society.  Any military person trained on these weapons will tell you, they have only one purpose:  to kill.  That’s what they are designed to do.  Civilians have no reason to own these weapons, other than for entertainment purposes.  Making these types of weapons unavailable to purchase would be a huge first step.

The next step is more stringent screening processes and stipulations that must be met in order for a person to purchase a gun.  Let’s think about this.  When you want to buy a car, there are many things have to do.  First off, you have to have a license. To get that license, you have to take a class to learn how to operate the vehicle.  You have to pass a written and physical test, as well as disclose health information.  To own a car, you must register it with your state, and renew that registration every year.   You must also insure it.  All of these things exist for tracking and safety purposes.  Why can’t we do similar things to own guns?  First step:  A waiting period to buy a gun.  If you’re a responsible gun owner, this should not be an issue.  No one needs to buy a gun and have it immediately.  You may want that, but you don’t need it.  So yes, this means no more gun sales at gun shows.  But so what?

In addition, gun sales should be restricted from convicted felons and those that have been hospitalized for mental illness.  Every single gun sale should screen for this before a purchase. A citizen should not be allowed to purchase more than one gun every 90 days. Again, if you’re a responsible gun owner, this shouldn’t bother you.  All it is doing is helping keep people, including you, safer.  It doesn’t affect law-abiding citizens.

I’m even gonna go a step further here.  I believe there should be a limit on how many guns a person can own.  I don’t know what that number would be honestly.  I further  believe that guns should have tracking devices implanted in them.  If our phones can track our locations, there’s no reason that can’t be applied to guns as well.  If tracking devices could be implanted in every gun, it would be easier to track illegal gun sales. It could also trigger an alert to a government agency anytime a gun is on school property.  You can pull it up to see if that gun is legally licensed.  Now, I know many people are gonna scream that that’s too much government intervention.  And it might be a bit of a stretch.  But those same people have no problems with their cell phones tracking their locations and giving that info to God only knows who.

Would all of these measures completely stop gun violence?  Absolutely not.  But it is my belief that it would extremely hinder an individual’s ability to commit a mass murder.  And again, if even one life is saved because of it, it’s worth it to me.

Now on to the next contributing factor in gun violence:  Mental Illness.  This is a tough one for me, because I do know that mental health is not taken as seriously in our country as it should be.  However, considering that men commit 98% of the mass shootings in our country, and considering mental illness is a worldwide issue but only America has such a high mass shooting rate, I wonder how much this contributes.  I feel this issue is something that should be studied.  Why do mostly men commit these crimes?  Why does mental illness not cause people in other developed countries to commit mass murders? And why have we not investigated this further?

Our kids today are facing higher levels of mental illness than ever before.  Here are just a few statistics to think about:

  • 20% of youth ages 13-18 live with a mental health condition.
  • 11% of youth have a mood disorder
  • 50% of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by age 14
  • Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in youth ages 10-24

Those are scary numbers.  Children today live in a much different world than most adults now experienced.  Things like social media, constant stimulation, being overextended, pressure to excel, and bullying often contribute to anxiety and other mental illness in teens.  And many times it’s difficult to see.

And let’s face it, mental health care in our country is not exactly a top priority.  Many top rated mental health professionals do not take insurance, causing affected people to have to pay out-of-pocket.  45% of untreated Americans with mental illness cited cost as the main factor in not getting treatment.  And if the Affordable Care Act is repealed, and nothing takes its place, these numbers will increase due to the increase of uninsured Americans. This has to stop.  We need to be asking the questions about how to do a better job in getting the mentally ill the treatment that they need, not after a tragedy, but before.  Something to think about: 40,000,000 Americans suffer from some type of mental illness.  SOME can access treatment.  ALL can access guns.

Still, mental health advocates say that mental health is part of the picture in mass shootings, but focusing on that alone is not enough.  Mental health issues should not be a re-direct from gun control.  Both things need to be examined and changed.

And lastly, the other main contributing factor:  Parenting.  The way we parent our children has changed so much, even over just the last decade.  We all live in a technologically run society.  We all spend so much time on our phones and social media, instead of spending time connecting.  As a society, we are raising our children to be spoiled and entitled and unaccountable for their actions.  Now obviously, I’m not saying every parent is a bad parent or every parent is doing all of these things.  But some of the things I’m going to mention apply in some part to most parents, myself included.

Social media is running the lives of our kids.  They are basing their self-worth on how many Facebook likes and comments they get, how many Instagram likes they get, how many people view their Snapchat stories and watch their YouTube videos.  This is dangerous on so many levels.  We have to start limiting our kids’ access to social media and explain to them the impact it has on their mental health.

Many of today’s parents are trying to be their child’s best friend first, and their parent second.  I have been guilty of this.  But our kids have enough friends.  They need parents.  They need boundaries, and discipline, and accountability.  Kids do not need constant stimulation. It’s okay to let them be bored sometimes. They do not need to get everything they want, when they want it. My belief is that most children today are not equipped to handle school and the adult world because they are lacking any delay in gratification. We are letting our kids tell us what to do, instead of the other way around. They do not need to be coddled and sheltered and not have real life experiences. We need to let them fall.  We need to let them make mistakes.  We need to let them experience disappointment and consequences.  In a world of participation trophies, our kids are not prepared to handle the disappointment and heartache that life will throw their way.  The harsh truth is, we are not giving our children the tools they need to survive in the adult world.

Now, more than ever, we as parents need to step up and be truly present in our kids lives.  We need to step away from the phones, the iPads, the TV’s, and start connecting with our families. I’ll be the first to admit, it’s difficult.  After a long day at work, trying to cook and clean and help with homework, many times it’s easier just to plop them down in front of a TV or iPad than to interact.   But we need to be present.  We need to pay attention.  Many of the kids that commit these mass shootings show signs of trouble way before they actually do something.  But these signs often times go unnoticed or aren’t taken seriously because we are all so consumed with our own lives that we don’t stop and pay attention.  Many times our kids are crying for help, and we’re too busy to even look up and notice.

So, all that being said, what can we actually do about all of this?  What steps can we take to prevent more children from dying?  I don’t want people to just read this, and then go about their daily business.  I want people to take something, anything from this, and DO SOMETHING.  It’s up to us now.  We must be the change we want to see. Whether you do one or all of these things, do something to help protect our children.

  • Be present in the lives of your kids.  Ask them questions.  Know everything that is going on in their lives.  If they won’t talk to you, look through their phones.  My daughter knows her phone is not private and we have the right to look at it whenever we choose. Have a no-electronics policy at dinner, and eat dinner together as a family.  Play board games.  Limit screen time and social media activity.  Do physical activities together as a family. Physical activity has been proven as an anxiety and stress reducer.  Always be your child’s biggest supporter and shoulder to lean on, but also make them take accountability for their actions.
  • Get your children involved in extra-curricular activities.  Have them doing things that don’t require electronics to acomplish.  Art classes, dance classes, music, and sports are just some things you can do that will help your child’s brain stay active and get them involved with peers.
  • If your child exhibits signs of mental illness, don’t shrug it off.  Don’t wait.  Talk to your pediatrician.  Your child may not even know they need help.  It’s up to you to know them better than anyone, and know when they are in distress.  Warning signs include:
  1. Feeling sad or withdrawn for more than 2 weeks
  2. Feeling fatigued and unmotivated
  3. Sudden overwhelming fear for no reason
  4. Risk-taking behaviors that can cause self harm or harm to others
  5. Not eating, throwing up, or significant weight loss or gain
  6. Severe mood swings
  7. Drastic changes in behavior or sleep habits
  8. Difficulty in concentrating or staying still in school
  • Visit https://www.sandyhookpromise.org/.  Sandy Hook Promise trains students and adults to recognize the signs of gun violence and provide programs and practices that protect children.  Visit their site to find out how to get training, how you can advocate, and to donate.
  • Also visit https://everytownresearch.org/about/.  This site is designed to raise awareness and educate people about gun violence statistics and causes, and ways we can help stop it.
  • Call, write, Tweet, Facebook, anything to your local representatives.  Let them know you have had enough and want things to change.  Do it as often as you can.  Don’t let up.
  • VOTE!  Your vote matters,  If those in power are not doing their part, it’s our jobs to get them out of office and vote someone in who will.
  • Pray.  Pray to whatever God you believe in.  Yes, “thoughts and prayers” from our lawmakers are not a solution.  But we as a society must keep praying, must keep believing in the good, and must instill that belief in our children.

It’s up to us to stop these senseless deaths.  We must all come together and realize that it’s not just the guns fault, that it’s not just the parents fault, that there are many contributing factors that must all be addressed and rectified to keep our children safe. Our children are calling on us all to do something to protect them.  It’s time we answer that call.

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Total Eclipse of the Heart

In case you have been living under a rock, there is a total solar eclipse happening tomorrow.  The moon hasn’t thrown this much shade at America in nearly a century.  (See what I did there?)  My inner nerd is ecstatic!  It’s expected to be the most observed eclipse ever.  Not surprising, as our culture is saturated with social media. But this event certainly warrants an overload of photos.  I wish I could play hooky from work and go to one of the thousands of watch parties, but alas, I cannot. But you can bet I will be taking a break to go step briefly into the darkness!

As I started reflecting on this historical magic, and how it seems to be bringing so many people together, I started to think about the eclipse we are currently experiencing in our country.  In my opinion, much of our country is having…wait for it…a total eclipse of the heart.  I realize that now you may be belting out the Bonnie Tyler hit in your head.  Or out loud.  Hey if you’re feeling it, go with it.

But seriously, I feel like that perfectly sums up the state of our country right now.  So many have closed their hearts, and their minds. Hearts that were once compassionate and understanding, are now eclipsed by anger, fear, intolerance, and self-righteousness. Living in the age of social media certainly does not help. It’s much easier to post something on Facebook or Twitter, judging someone you’ve never met, than it is to say it to someone’s face.  It so effortless for so many to spew hatred across multiple medias behind the safety of their computer screens.

The events in Charlottesville a week ago have certainly put many people in a heightened state of emotion. With good reason. I will just go ahead and put this out there, that no AMERICAN should ever be wearing, carrying, or doing anything with a Nazi flag or symbol, unless they are destroying it.  A world-wide war was literally fought over this ideology.  I feel physical pain in my heart about what transpired there, and the way it was handled by our commander-in-chief.  My disdain for him is well known by those who know me, but that is not where I’m going with this.

The truth is, while yes, the President should have a stronger response than what he did to white supremacy being demonstrated on American soil, I don’t look to him to give me solace about hatred in the world.  And neither should anyone else.  Being angry at politicians for how they handle things like this won’t quell the hate in people’s hearts.  I have to keep repeating that to myself, because it’s the truth. As much as I do not support Donald Trump or anything he stands for, he is not the cause of that hatred.  It was around long before him, and sadly will probably be around long after him.  I actually feel his being elected is the result of this type of hatred.  And it’s up to us as Americans and as people with kind hearts and minds to prevent it from happening again.

There is so much hate and anger in our country right now.  And it’s not just extremists, which actually don’t make up that much of our population.  They just get the most media attention.  I often see it just as much in our everyday lives.  It’s that person on the highway who won’t let you over, and instead honks and cusses at you,  because they think you’re stupid for waiting until the last minute.  What they don’t know is that you just found out found out your mom has cancer, and you were so lost in despair that you didn’t realize that you were so close to your exit.  It’s the parents on the sidelines of soccer games screaming at their kid to take control of the play, and what they don’t know is that the child has no desire to even be an athlete, but just wants to make his parents proud.  It’s the groups of moms drinking Starbucks in their yoga pants that exclude the new mom in town instead of making her feel welcome.  It’s tons of little things that people all over the world do every day, and maybe not intentionally, that show their hearts are closed instead of open. Eclipsed, instead of lit up.

So what is the solution?  What is the takeaway? To me, the answer is as simple as this: Every person you meet is going through something.  No matter how perfect their life looks on Facebook, I’d be willing to bet they are going through some sort of struggle.  This is a saying as old as time, but it still rings true.  And instead of only looking out for ourselves, we should be looking out for our fellow man.  This used to be a nation where people truly cared about each other. Where kindness was freely given, with no expectations in return. Where when someone new moved into the neighborhood, they were greeted with casseroles and muffins.  A country where you didn’t have to lock your front door, where you could trust the people around you.  A place where you could ask a stranger for a hand with your groceries, and they would do it with a smile on their face.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I choose to live with an un-eclipsed heart. I will strive to kill evil with love.  To destroy hatred with kindness.  I will continue to believe that America can be a kind place again.  Donald Trump is not the person to “Make America Great Again.”  It’s up to American citizens to do that.   How do we do that you ask?  By just being kind.  It’s that simple.  Fill your heart with kindness and compassion, instead of hatred and fear.

I for one, will continue to live this way and strive to remain unjaded. I may be only one person, but I will still act in hope and love. I’m going to Facebook less and live more.  I’m going to turn off the news and remember that we are all better than the media tells us we are. I’m going to stop letting social media posts divide me from the people I love. I’m going to continue to open doors for people, and strike up conversations with strangers while I’m standing in line.  I’m going to smile at people as they walk by.  I’m going to contribute where I can, and stand up for what is right.  I’m going to work hard to make the world a better place for my daughter.  And if we could all just try to do that, I believe our world can be a much better place.

The sun may be briefly eclipsed tomorrow…but my heart will never be!

Is It October Yet?

Is It October Yet?

Fall is in the air!

Ha, ha, just kidding.  Of course it’s not.  It’s freaking 105 degrees outside today in Fort Worth.  Fall is the last thing on the mind of the Texas weather gods. But…I’m already craving it. I’m ready for football, and pumpkin flavored everything, and of course, Halloween.  I love Halloween.  It ties with Christmas as my favorite holiday, but I love it as much as most people love Christmas.  I love everything about it.  By far my favorite thing, though, is horror movies!  I watch them year-round, but in October, it always feels more special and scary. For me, it doesn’t get much better than being curled up on the couch in October, surrounded by fall scents and decor, and watching scary movies in the dark with a nice Malbec.

So I’d like to talk about Halloween.  But not the holiday.  Halloween…the film. My favorite horror movie.  In my opinion, the best horror movie of all-time.  Many will disagree with me and have their arguments as to why other movies are scarier.  And that’s okay.  But, Halloween set the standard. Halloween was a massive hit, going on to gross over $50 million.  It was filmed in 21 days on a budget of only $300,000, and for many years was the highest grossing independent film ever made.

I could go on for pages about the genius that is Halloween.  About who and what makes it an undeniable classic.  I even wrote a paper on it in college.  But, every year when I watch it on tv, and tweet along with my fellow Halloween lovers, I always find the humor that we share about some of the more cheesy aspects of the movie is sometimes the best part.  So on that note, my favorite cheesy and goofy things about the scariest movie I’ve ever seen.

  • Michael’s parents: Let’s set the scene:  6 year-old Michael has just stabbed his teenage sister to death.  He walks outside, holding the knife covered in his sister’s blood, just as his parents pull up in their car.  His father takes off Michael’s clown mask and stares at him, puzzled.  His mother stands there, puts her hands in her pockets, and just looks at him, boredom stretched across her face.  I don’t know about anyone else, but if I walked up on my 6 year-old holding a bloody butcher knife, I would be flipping the f**k out!  I mean, the woman doesn’t even look fazed in the the slightest. It’s like that’s the typical Friday night at the Myers house.  Like she’s just thinking “Oh crap, who. did Michael stab. this time?”
  • Michael’s escape:  Young Michael is admitted to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium following his savage Halloween night festivities.  15 years later, he decides it’s time to blow that Popsicle stand.  He escapes and steals a car, driving off into the rainy night.  Where on God’s green one did Michael find the resources to learn how to drive?  I mean, you see him driving other times during the movie, and the dude even knows how to follow traffic laws.  For real?  Dr. Loomis must have been right: someone around there probably gave him lessons!
  • Judith’s headstone:  Somehow Dr. Loomis had the gut feeling that Michael was gonna go straight petty up in this piece, and go desecrate his sister’s grave on his way to stab some people. Sure enough, he arrives at the cemetery only to find the headstone missing. (Which also reminds me, I’m mad I never got to hear the end of the story about Charlie and his hacksaw.) Later in the movie, we see that Michael has cleverly placed the marker on the bed at the Wallace home, right behind Annie’s dead body.  So…you’re telling me Michael was able to just rip a probably 1,000 pound piece of granite out of the ground, carry it to his car, and then carry it into a house and up a flight of stairs?  That is totally absurd. Dude must Crossfit.
  • Annie’s dad: I understand that Haddonfield is a small town, and that Sherriff Brackett is probably handicapped by a natural lack of experience.  But what kind of cop can’t recognize the smell of pot?  Especially when it’s been confined to a car and smoked less than 1 minute before the girls roll up on him? There was probably still a cloud of smoke in the car. Great job parenting and policing there, SHERRIFF!
  • The heavy breathing:  Can we take a second and talk about Michael’s incessant heavy breathing?  What is that about?  Does he have asthma?  A deviated septum? Can we get the guy a breathing treatment?  I’m starting to question if Smth’s Grove should even be an accredited medical facility. I mean, they can’t afford decent hospital gowns, reliable security, or Albuterol, apparently.  How none of his victims heard him rolling up on them is beyond me.
  • Lindsey Wallace:  This little asshole is one of my favorite characters.   She’s got great style, attitude, and does what she wants.   She keeps her babysitter in check and has her crush’s back.  I appreciate those qualities in a 4th grader.
  • Tommy Doyle:  Can we get an interpreter for this kid?  He seriously takes whining to a whole new level.  The part where he sees Michael carrying Annie into the house and starts screaming gibberish is by far the most annoying part to me.  I even tried to get Siri to interpret that nonsense, and she couldn’t.  And for being the only one who sees Michael coming, and who is so worried about this boogeyman, he sure does take his sweet ass time getting the door for his screaming babysitter!  Whiny little punk.
  • Laurie’s survival:  Halloween established the rules, so we know that the virgins always outsmart the killer in the end.  Luckily for Laurie, her untouched vagina was her saving grace. Otherwise, she would have been toast, because she is a f**king moron.   Let’s list her transgressions, shall we?
  1. She walks over to the Wallace house, knowing something is wrong, and doesn’t even attempt to turn any lights on.  Seriously?
  2. Once she escapes Michael’s first attack, she runs back to the house where she has left the kids sleeping.  Girl!! Run ANYWHERE but back there.  I’d be breaking down every door on that street until someone helped me, but I wouldn’t lead the killer to the kids.
  3. She drops the knife…twice!  At this point, I feel like she deserves what she gets.
  4. She gets cornered in the bedroom.  So I get that her options are limited.  She opens the balcony door to make it look like she has escaped outside, then goes to hide in the closet.  Good idea, in theory.  But here’s a tip:  next time someone tries to murder you, don’t make so much noise getting into your hiding place that he obviously knows you are there!
  5. She turns her back on him.  At this point she sends the kids out of the house (finally a good call!) and sits down for a much needed breather.  Now this is just me, but if someone had just tried to kill me not once, not twice, but three times, I’d have my eye on him every second until the cops showed up.  But no, not Laurie.  She’s so certain that her razor-sharp virgin babysitter skills have saved her, that she has no problem turning her back on the seemingly dead killer.  Which obviously brings on a fourth attack.  Whatever, girl.  Your funeral.

All jokes aside, this is and will always be my favorite horror movie of all-time.  Michael Myers still haunts my dreams.  The Halloween theme music stops my heart every time. I hear it. But it’s a thrill I love to live over and over again.  Bring on October, I am ready!

  
 

Love, hate, and teenagers

Love, hate, and teenagers

This is my first new blog post in over a year. Working full-time and the roller coaster of other issues have kept me from it. But I was inspired to start writing again by a friend (thanks Isabel!) who reminded me that I have a bit of a knack for it. For me, writing is therapeutic, but if I can also possibly reach someone else who might be struggling with these same issues, then it’s a win-win.

And since some of you may not read until the very end of the post, here’s the most important takeaway from it: It’s okay to occasionally say parenting sucks! Because sometimes, it does. It doesn’t make you a bad person or parent to admit that sometimes you feel weak and defeated and destroyed and just plain sad. If you never felt those things as a parent, you’re not human and I need to know what model of cyborg you are so I can look into upgrading.  And know that no matter how great a parent you are, no matter how many things you do right, no matter how often you think “That would never happen to MY kid,” trust me, it can.

There has been so much going on that I have not talked about publicly, for many reasons. First and foremost, because of the personal and sensitive nature of the situation. So, most things in this post may be vague, but just know that it is to protect the privacy of people involved. I like to be transparent whenever possible, but that only goes so far as it protects the people I love. Secondly, there is a lot of guilt and shame associated with some of it. It’s no secret that guilt and parenting go hand in hand. They should have motivational posters all over the maternity ward that read “Prepare to Feel Guilty About Everything For the Rest of Your Life.” And then they should hand you a lifetime subscription to a Wine of the Month club! Take note of that fellas, because I may have just cornered the market on push presents.

To say our family has been struggling the past year is an understatement. Every family has their problems, and anyone who has had a teenager knows that the seas are rough and wild. But, without going into any specifics, let me just say that our struggles, and more specifically the struggles of my daughter go beyond your typical teenage angst.

Another motivational poster hospitals should consider: “Parenting – It’s not for the faint of heart!”

Let me tell you, parenting was a whole lot easier in my imagination with my hypothetical kids! The hardest thing about parenting that no one prepares you for, though, is that you lose your kids. You fall in love with this child, and you get used to this version of them that loves you and depends on you. And then they grow, and change. And even though that can be wonderful, it hurts to know you’ve lost the other version of that person. That little person is gone and you’ll never have that again. And once you get used to the next version and learn how to navigate those waters, they move on to the next phase and become someone else. The same kid who used to beg me to watch her sit on the toilet now won’t even give me a second look.

It’s especially painful when that child grows into someone you don’t even recognize. Someone who truly believes they hate you. Someone who, despite how you’ve raised them, can spew unbelievable hatred your way. Someone who blames you for every bad thing that has ever happened in their life, whether it’s your fault or not. When you have done everything in the world and then some for a person, and they have no love or appreciation for you, it’s an awful feeling. But because you love them, you take it. You try to tell yourself that they are going through something you can’t understand.  You take it and take it and choke back the sobs and wipe away your tears and push the hurt way deep down inside, because it’s your child. But, in my opinion, the strength it takes to love someone who hates you is the strength only a parent has. Your child is the only person you would ever possibly accept that from and still love them anyway. I could make a killing selling a wine called “13-Year-Old Hateful Merlot.” I could market it as the epidural for being a mom of a teen!

Possibly the most helpful poster they could have: “Teenagers – Man, can they be little a-holes!

The hardest part of all though, is the feeling of helplessness. Of knowing your child is going through something, and doing your best to help them, but knowing you can’t. All I ever wanted in life was to be a good mom. I was never really a career-oriented person. I always wanted to be in a much less-sexist version of Leave it to Beaver. To have a baby and give them an amazing childhood. A life full of as much happiness as possible.  Enough wonderful memories to blow away any bad ones.  To be the mom that’s the greatest mom and the best friend. The mom that makes the best cookies, hosts the best sleepovers, and has one of the sweetest and happiest kids you would ever meet. As it turns out, all of that is pretty much unattainable.  I’ll never be quite that good. (Okay, I will give myself the cookies thing, because my cookies are the bomb.com! Ask anyone.)

But still, I am always there for her. And whenever she has struggled, I have tried to be for her what I needed at that age. I’ve tried showing her love and compassion every possible way I know how. But sometimes it just isn’t enough. That is the most awful part of what we are going through. No matter what I do, it will never be enough. It’s discouraging and painful to say the least. But…gotta keep on keepin’ on!

Because truly, there is nothing else you can do except keep on going. In the words of my favorite fish ever, “Just keep swimming.” In spite of everything, I love my child more than life itself. I would do anything and everything in this world for her. And I will never, ever give up on her. Yes, our lives are an emotional wreck right now. Yes, every time I think we’ve hit rock bottom, we continue to hit new lows. Yes, I cry almost every day. Yes, I worry almost every waking moment about my child.  But, we’are also experiencing. love, and laughter, and joy.  This parenting thing is like the most intense roller coaster you’ve ever ridden, only you can never get off. But, I wouldn’t….even if sometimes I wish I could.

And when all else fails…I will choose to remember this:

mom3

All my favorite men…

All my favorite men…

I started thinking today about all the celebrity crushes I’ve had over the years.  And there have been a lot! Many have come and gone, and a select few have always stayed close to my heart.  So as a treat for me as well as all the ladies out there, I’m going to share some of my favorite pieces of man candy and the reasons why I love them!

Because I was young…

Ralph Macchio  

 From the first time he put on that kimono and managed to defeat a bully twice his size, I knew he was definitely sexy in my book!

Andrew McCarthy  

 Whether he was secretly pining for Leslie in St. Elmo’s Fire, or quietly pursuing Andie in Pretty in Pink, this prepster always gave me butterflies.  And who could forget Weekend At Bernie’s??

Luke Perry 

 Dylan McKay…man of my adolescent dreams.  I pined, I dreamed, I obsessed.  Sadly he never became mine, but sometimes I still dream that he did.  🙂

Because they were cute then AND now…

Mark-Paul Gosselaar  

 Zack Morris was another boy of every girl’s dreams I think.  That all American smile and charm made him irresistable.  And he definitely grew up to be hunkier than ever.  He’s cute and hilarious on Franklin and Bash, and still a dreamboat!

Patrick Dempsey

  He stole my heart in Can’t Buy Me Love, showing everyone that the geek can in fact get the girl.  Of course we all know he grew up to be McDreamier than ever on Grey’s Anatomy.  I still can’t believe he’s gone!  But I’d for sure let him mow my yard or operate on my brain anytime!

Because older men need love too…

George Clooney 

 Be still my heart!  How is it possible that the older this man gets, the hunkier he gets?  He grabbed my attention as Dr. Doug Ross, and he never lost it.  He is truly the perfect male specimen.

Kevin Costner 

 Sexiest Robin Hood ever!  The kiss at the end after he kills the Sherrif of Nottingham solidified his place in my heart!  What girl doesn’t want to hear the man she loves telling her he would die for her?

Harrison Ford 

 From Han Solo to the President, he brings the sexy to every single role, even when he doesn’t mean to.  That husky voice and sexy smile always have me enthralled.  I mean, who can yell “get off my plane” and still manage to sound sexy?

Because abs…

Ryan Reynolds 

 Enough said.

Tyrese  Gibson

 Yep

Because altheletes…

Tom Brady 

 Deflategate be damned!  Any time that tight Patriot booty is on the field, I pay attention.  And that face is pretty easy on the eyes too…

Russell Westbrook 

  Ah, my sexy, brooding hunk of Thunder.  He’s so aggressive and in the zone on the court, but his smile shows his heart of gold.  And that body is bangin!  Plus, you have to applaud his bold fashion choices…

Because diversity…

Idris Elba 

 What a sexy, chocolately hunk of a man.  And oh, the British accent.  So incredibly sexy!

L.L. Cool J 

 Doin it and doin it and doin it well…mmm…hmmm…

Andy Garcia 

 Nothing like a Latin lover to get your blood pumping.  That handsome face and velvety voice have had me hooked for years.  And a man that can cry…yep that will do it too!

Mark Consuelos 

 Mr. Kelly Ripa is a slice of man cake with extra frosting!  That skin, that smile, those teeth!  He just looks like a fun dad and a sexy husband!

Because musicians…

Adam Levine  

 Oh honey…so smoldering and dangerous looking.  You can sing to me anytime!

Justin Timberlake  

 Who doesn’t love a guy who’s adorable, funny, and can sing you sweet, sweet love songs?  Baby you can bring sexy back to my hosue anytime you want!

Because they’ve always had my heart and always will…

Paul Walker  

 His was one of the few celebrity deaths that I took really hard.  I legitimately felt sad about it for days.  And anytime I see one of his movies, it always comes rushing back. Everything about him screamed perfection! R.I.P to one of my all time celebrity loves!

Josh Duhamel   

 He stole my heart on Las Vegas and I never fully got it back.  I was actually bummed when he married Fergie.  He’s funny, cool, sexy, and adorable all at the same time.  What’s not to love?

Ben Affleck 

 My favorite Hollywood hunk of all time.  My free pass.  The one guy I would leave my husband for.  (ok that’s not true, and I’d never get the chance anyway.)  I’ve always loved him, even when others hated him.  I hated JLo for dating him and rooted for Jennifer Garner when she married him.  Their divorce really bummed me out.  But I still love Ben and always will!  He can make me laugh or make me cry at the drop of a hat.  And oh the sexiness…it’s just too much for me!  I can never look away!

Hollywod hunks aside… 

 In all seriousness…here is my FAVORITE man of them all…my hubby!  That is one tall drink of water!  Not to mention sweet, funny, caring, and kind.  He’s the best husband I could ask for.  And I know no matter what happens,  he will always give me butterflies and make me laugh!

I hope you all enojoyed these few minutes of man candy.  It defintely perked up my day a little!  Happy Tuesday everyone!