Fall is in the air!
Ha, ha, just kidding. Of course it’s not. It’s freaking 105 degrees outside today in Fort Worth. Fall is the last thing on the mind of the Texas weather gods. But…I’m already craving it. I’m ready for football, and pumpkin flavored everything, and of course, Halloween. I love Halloween. It ties with Christmas as my favorite holiday, but I love it as much as most people love Christmas. I love everything about it. By far my favorite thing, though, is horror movies! I watch them year-round, but in October, it always feels more special and scary. For me, it doesn’t get much better than being curled up on the couch in October, surrounded by fall scents and decor, and watching scary movies in the dark with a nice Malbec.
So I’d like to talk about Halloween. But not the holiday. Halloween…the film. My favorite horror movie. In my opinion, the best horror movie of all-time. Many will disagree with me and have their arguments as to why other movies are scarier. And that’s okay. But, Halloween set the standard. Halloween was a massive hit, going on to gross over $50 million. It was filmed in 21 days on a budget of only $300,000, and for many years was the highest grossing independent film ever made.
I could go on for pages about the genius that is Halloween. About who and what makes it an undeniable classic. I even wrote a paper on it in college. But, every year when I watch it on tv, and tweet along with my fellow Halloween lovers, I always find the humor that we share about some of the more cheesy aspects of the movie is sometimes the best part. So on that note, my favorite cheesy and goofy things about the scariest movie I’ve ever seen.
- Michael’s parents: Let’s set the scene: 6 year-old Michael has just stabbed his teenage sister to death. He walks outside, holding the knife covered in his sister’s blood, just as his parents pull up in their car. His father takes off Michael’s clown mask and stares at him, puzzled. His mother stands there, puts her hands in her pockets, and just looks at him, boredom stretched across her face. I don’t know about anyone else, but if I walked up on my 6 year-old holding a bloody butcher knife, I would be flipping the f**k out! I mean, the woman doesn’t even look fazed in the the slightest. It’s like that’s the typical Friday night at the Myers house. Like she’s just thinking “Oh crap, who. did Michael stab. this time?”
- Michael’s escape: Young Michael is admitted to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium following his savage Halloween night festivities. 15 years later, he decides it’s time to blow that Popsicle stand. He escapes and steals a car, driving off into the rainy night. Where on God’s green one did Michael find the resources to learn how to drive? I mean, you see him driving other times during the movie, and the dude even knows how to follow traffic laws. For real? Dr. Loomis must have been right: someone around there probably gave him lessons!
- Judith’s headstone: Somehow Dr. Loomis had the gut feeling that Michael was gonna go straight petty up in this piece, and go desecrate his sister’s grave on his way to stab some people. Sure enough, he arrives at the cemetery only to find the headstone missing. (Which also reminds me, I’m mad I never got to hear the end of the story about Charlie and his hacksaw.) Later in the movie, we see that Michael has cleverly placed the marker on the bed at the Wallace home, right behind Annie’s dead body. So…you’re telling me Michael was able to just rip a probably 1,000 pound piece of granite out of the ground, carry it to his car, and then carry it into a house and up a flight of stairs? That is totally absurd. Dude must Crossfit.
- Annie’s dad: I understand that Haddonfield is a small town, and that Sherriff Brackett is probably handicapped by a natural lack of experience. But what kind of cop can’t recognize the smell of pot? Especially when it’s been confined to a car and smoked less than 1 minute before the girls roll up on him? There was probably still a cloud of smoke in the car. Great job parenting and policing there, SHERRIFF!
- The heavy breathing: Can we take a second and talk about Michael’s incessant heavy breathing? What is that about? Does he have asthma? A deviated septum? Can we get the guy a breathing treatment? I’m starting to question if Smth’s Grove should even be an accredited medical facility. I mean, they can’t afford decent hospital gowns, reliable security, or Albuterol, apparently. How none of his victims heard him rolling up on them is beyond me.
- Lindsey Wallace: This little asshole is one of my favorite characters. She’s got great style, attitude, and does what she wants. She keeps her babysitter in check and has her crush’s back. I appreciate those qualities in a 4th grader.
- Tommy Doyle: Can we get an interpreter for this kid? He seriously takes whining to a whole new level. The part where he sees Michael carrying Annie into the house and starts screaming gibberish is by far the most annoying part to me. I even tried to get Siri to interpret that nonsense, and she couldn’t. And for being the only one who sees Michael coming, and who is so worried about this boogeyman, he sure does take his sweet ass time getting the door for his screaming babysitter! Whiny little punk.
- Laurie’s survival: Halloween established the rules, so we know that the virgins always outsmart the killer in the end. Luckily for Laurie, her untouched vagina was her saving grace. Otherwise, she would have been toast, because she is a f**king moron. Let’s list her transgressions, shall we?
- She walks over to the Wallace house, knowing something is wrong, and doesn’t even attempt to turn any lights on. Seriously?
- Once she escapes Michael’s first attack, she runs back to the house where she has left the kids sleeping. Girl!! Run ANYWHERE but back there. I’d be breaking down every door on that street until someone helped me, but I wouldn’t lead the killer to the kids.
- She drops the knife…twice! At this point, I feel like she deserves what she gets.
- She gets cornered in the bedroom. So I get that her options are limited. She opens the balcony door to make it look like she has escaped outside, then goes to hide in the closet. Good idea, in theory. But here’s a tip: next time someone tries to murder you, don’t make so much noise getting into your hiding place that he obviously knows you are there!
- She turns her back on him. At this point she sends the kids out of the house (finally a good call!) and sits down for a much needed breather. Now this is just me, but if someone had just tried to kill me not once, not twice, but three times, I’d have my eye on him every second until the cops showed up. But no, not Laurie. She’s so certain that her razor-sharp virgin babysitter skills have saved her, that she has no problem turning her back on the seemingly dead killer. Which obviously brings on a fourth attack. Whatever, girl. Your funeral.
All jokes aside, this is and will always be my favorite horror movie of all-time. Michael Myers still haunts my dreams. The Halloween theme music stops my heart every time. I hear it. But it’s a thrill I love to live over and over again. Bring on October, I am ready!